'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
