Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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