Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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