I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
