Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
