I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
A bitchslap is in order.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
