the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
