Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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