Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
