Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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