forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
