i will never coherently bang her
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
