Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
