Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
