and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
