Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
