1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
