i don't like sucking hair
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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