I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
