I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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