you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
