Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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