Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
