It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
All I want is dick and wine.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
