How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
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Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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