is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
