Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
