Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
