God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
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