its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
