kristin has been a bad kristin
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
