Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
