you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
