is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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