The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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