no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
