i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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