We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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