i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I look better un-naked...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
