A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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