The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
