He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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