So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
