I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
