fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
