All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
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I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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