Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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