if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
