I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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