sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
