Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
