i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Randomize
