I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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