my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
i believe in u and ur pee
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
