Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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