Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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