I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
