i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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