He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
