She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
