i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just threw up on my dentist
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
These 23 People Are Living Shocking Lies
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
The 17 Absolute Worst Divorces Imaginable
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?