Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
