Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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