His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
